Maybe I read too much, or not enough. Or, maybe I think too much. Or, you know, not enough. I’m not sure.
I’m seeing much out there these days about the challenge of church (however you define that) to meet the needs of people, mainly young families. Most of the stuff I’m seeing is talking about church as a local body of believers who gather together for worship on Sunday mornings. Traditional, corporate church, I suppose. Sermons and Sunday School.
And the stuff I’m reading is about how hard it is for families with young children to participate in these settings. Kids fuss, make messes, clap, cry, squeal, misbehave. Parents struggle with the dilemma of keeping them in the assembly or taking them out. Or even, staying home till the kids are older and more cooperative.
I get it. I really do. I remember it, clearly.
I remember the time I was asked to bring toy cars instead of toy dinosaurs for my boys to play with, as the dinosaurs bothered an older woman who sat behind us.
I remember the Sundays upon Sundays when my husband was at work and I spent my time wrestling with a toddler and a baby and who knows what the sermon was about.
I remember leaving early, in tears.
I remember bringing hot dogs and potato chips to potluck.
I remember chasing a defiant two-year-old through the empty pews at the front of the church, in full, humiliating view of the watching worshippers on the back pews.
I remember being asked not to bring Cheerios into the sanctuary, and to take my dirty diapers home with me, and to please come and get my crying child from his toddler class.
I remember sitting in the cry room, zombie-mom, while my toddler systematically emptied the toy box and my baby nursed, and how disconnected I felt from whatever I thought church was supposed to be. I remember getting up, and leaving the mess, and walking out the door of the building, strains of Leaning on the Everlasting Arms growing faint behind me.
It’s a ridiculous time, this time of raising small children. Ridiculous and challenging and exhausting, and church can seem like an insurmountable Sunday morning mountain to climb, week after week.
Climb, climb up sunshine mountain, faces all aglow … not.
So, what is a church to do?
Here’s the thing. Here’s the hard reality. There’s not much a church can do. I mean, there are children’s programs and the cry room and all …
But, just like in the grocery store, or on a plane, or at your house, if your child is upset or loud or fussing, there’s probably little I can do to help you.
I can shoot you sympathetic eyes. I can offer to take your baby. I can smile at you as you take the screaming toddler to the back of the sanctuary, and I can put my hand on your shoulder as I walk by you on my way to the bathroom as you are walking the halls with your kid who can’t sit still.
I just don’t know what else I can do, except to say, I understand. I love you. I love your baby. I love that you are trying. I love that your children are making noise, and mess, and being cute, and talking in the quiet, and shouting Amen at the end of every prayer.
Bring all the toy dinosaurs you want. And fishy crackers or Cheerios or apple slices. And those toys that ding, they’re okay, too, if that’s what it takes. And if you are in and out of the room a hundred times, it’s fine.
And know that church, like anything, is challenging for all of us. Trying to be family. It’s hard. As a mom of teens, or a single person, or a young adult, or a widow, or the pastor’s wife. There are mountains to climb, whether you are wearing a baby sling on the journey, or riding a skateboard, or using a walker.
I don’t know what to tell you, except to hang in there. Like parenting in general, parenting at church is a day-by-day, messy, mistake-making, grace-requiring, hand-holding journey.
And when we fail you, and we will, know that it’s hard for all of us at times. And we’re all doing the best we can.
September 25, 2013 at 10:40 am
This brings back memories. I did this alone mostly with our two and I distinctly remember the challenge of keeping them occupied. They were really great actually, but I did have times where I felt so defeated. They stayed with me, I didn’t have the option someone else keeping them quiet in another room. And we all learned to adjust. The time in church was really short to tell you the truth. I remember the books and Cheerios and fighting over toys and having tired tired mornings. For a long time we had one vehicle and lived in the country so we had to come in at 6am, chill out til church, then have church and get home later in the afternoon.Talk about challenge. Overall I was just so happy to have kids i wasn’t about to let an hour or two of hassle ruin my life. That time in our life went so fast. It’s a distant memory now.
Janelle, your article was so well put. Thank you. We are all trying to be family in different ways…with the people in our life. Being open and aware of other’s challenges is so appreciated and every little bit helps.
September 25, 2013 at 10:47 am
Thanks for this, Doreen. It’s such an all-consuming thing when you are in the midst of it, isn’t it. I actually fell asleep in the rocking chair in the nursery once. So tired, it seemed, for so long:) But so grateful, as you said, to even have children when we thought it might not ever be possible.
September 25, 2013 at 12:12 pm
Isn’t that true about really how life can be. No mater where or in what setting. One minute there’s a nice clean diaper on and he next there’s a nose clenching “aroma” invading your space. Add to that a face smeared with jelly and a great big booger on the end of a finger. So….we all do judge and condemn. But when true love shines through, church can be an amazing place. I love in mark how Jesus is so explicit and directed about little children. There is so much knowledge and wisdom in looking at the simple!!! The “KISS” principle usually is always best right? Anyway I have heard it said that the children are our future. The future of the church. But I don’t really agree with that because the future is now!!!! Is we lose the parents because of our judgements and attitudes, Christs church is diminoshing now!!! And there will be no future. I’m a big believer it “the future is now” philosophy, because of we don’t work and build on what we currently have, what is planned for the future can never never come to fruition!!
So awesome comments Janelle!!! Embrace the dinosaurs and the poopy diapers and the boogers!!!
Ps: I thought you were going to go a different direction about exchanging dinosaurs for cars!! Lol!!!
September 25, 2013 at 12:53 pm
The future is now. That’s a good way to live.
September 25, 2013 at 12:30 pm
It’s been awhile since my last visit, and it’s been awhile since I was reminded to “hang on”. 😉 Lately, tough or maybe challenging things arise, and I just notice they are piling up all at the same time. And here you go, again, as always, allowing yourself to be of God’s use, channel of His encouragement. 🙂 Thanks for dropping by Janelle, thanks for sharing this 🙂 Blessings be upon you always! ♡
September 25, 2013 at 12:54 pm
Bless you, Mae. I pray the challenges will ease and above all, God will be glorified.
September 25, 2013 at 1:30 pm
MUCH applause Janelle!
Our pew is the one at church that gives the vacuum a workout!!!But my kids are always meant to feel very welcome, for which i am very grateful!
September 25, 2013 at 1:51 pm
I hope we all feel welcome, even with our messes:)
September 25, 2013 at 4:44 pm
I remember driving an hour to church and sitting alone in the nursery with my toddler for nearly the whole service just for the privilege of talking to some adults in the foyer for 15 minutes afterward. It wasn’t about “the show in the building”. It was about the need to connect with other believers. I since realized that “church” is what happens between Sunday services where we sit in rows fellowshipping with the back of someone’s head. It’s whenever and wherever people notice each others desire to be included in the household of faith.
September 25, 2013 at 5:56 pm
I understand, Charis, that the hour on Sunday is not the whole of faith or fellowship. But it’s something. For whatever reasons, it’s a gathering of importance. Comparing it to what happens all the other hours of the week is, I think, comparing apples to oranges. Or maybe not. I value your input. What do you think?
September 25, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Ah, yes…just when I was starting to enjoy having my kids in service with me, we started all over. I can’t tell you how many miles I’ve logged walking the baby in and out of the sanctuary. But one morning I was standing right outside the sanctuary doors, swaying to keep her happy and trying to listen to the service as best as I could, and an older gentleman walked by us and grinned at me and commented, “Future choir member?” And I burst out laughing and said YES, and it was so nice to know that SOMEBODY “got it,” you know? That brief moment of connection was all I needed to make it a good morning instead of another exhausting one. I think making those connections–with others as well as with God–are what’s so vital as we drag ourselves to church in those sleep-deprived baby days.
September 26, 2013 at 6:00 am
There was a woman at one of the churches we attended when the kids were small. She would often just come and take my baby for awhile, so I could sit in the assembly. I wrote a post about her once, and about how much that meant to me. I’ll have to dig that one up and reread it. The small things are often the big things, if it’s what you need at that moment.
September 25, 2013 at 8:58 pm
Love this!! I can remember hubby being out to sea for months and months and me with a newborn and a four year old… ahhh, memories! Now they are sweet, then, just exhausting. I am going to send a link to this post to my daughter (mother of my Little Man). I am certain seh will relate to this post. Thank you, wish you would have been there when I was going in an dout of the sanctuary alone… I know the young Moms at your church truly appreciate you.
September 26, 2013 at 6:01 am
It’s true. The memories become sweeter! I can’t imagine spending months on my own, like you. So happy you were able to spend some time with your little man. I hope you get over your cold soon!
September 26, 2013 at 12:53 pm
thank you. It has been wonderful to be with him, the time just went by too fast though.
September 26, 2013 at 11:34 am
Love your article. I remember those times and as a pastor I have been through it many times with others. I have seen people get discouraged and just drop out for awhile, no matter how much encouragement or how much you offered to help. Others like yourself have “tuffed it out.” It’s just one of those times in life that you have to enjoy for what it is, knowing the hard part will pass…of course then there will be other issues :).
Terry Reed
Small Church Tools
September 26, 2013 at 2:52 pm
It can definitely be an isolating time. I know I felt very alone at times. But the truth is, I sometimes still do, in different ways. As you said, there will always be issues. Thank you for your thoughts!
September 26, 2013 at 5:05 pm
I don’t see an end to this for me. 🙂 My husband pastors a small country church and I get bits and pieces of his messages usually. It’s hard since he doesn’t sit in the pew with me. Every once in a while he’ll help me by reprimanding one of our children from the pulpit. I try to keep that from happening to often though.
I have given the younger ones cheerios if I remember to bring them. Our nursery doesn’t have a speaker. I used to have a baby monitor in there but the cord shorted out. At least when other mothers come in they see that our church is used to young children already.
September 26, 2013 at 6:13 pm
It isn’t easy but it sounds like you have a wonderful attitude, Anastacia.
September 27, 2013 at 12:02 am
Absolutely wonderful post. It can be very trying with a young child but I think the best part is you are exposing them to your faith. So what if they cry. No one has ever cried in church before? I say take them and be proud of the job you are doing. 🙂
September 27, 2013 at 8:54 am
I agree. Thanks for your positive response!
December 3, 2013 at 11:09 pm
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December 31, 2013 at 11:37 am
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December 31, 2013 at 7:55 pm
I wept as I read this.
December 31, 2013 at 9:41 pm
Oh Naia, I wish I could sit and have a cup of tea with you and fuss over your children. Happy New Year to you and your family. I pray 2014 will be good to you.